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| Hello from the grave.
okay, thats a bit extreme...but it has been an awful long time eh?
Ive just recently rediscovered xanga. Its been pretty interesting. Its something to do besides sleep I suppose...
Heres something thats a little weird. I read some of these old posts...and I can't believe I wrote this stuff.
I spoke with such conviction...such fervor, such zeal.
Its just interesting to see where I've been, you know. I'm sure you can relate.
Whats happened since March of 2006?
I'll hit the highlights:
I got a place in Tyler
Went to Vegas (amazing)
Went to Colorado (life-changing)
I went to TJC
I got drunk for the first time in August
I started smoking in September
My car broke down and I was foot-bound for a few months
I moved to Dallas in January to live with my brother
Went to Dallas Community Colleges
I worked a lot
Drove to Vegas this spring (with a stop at the Grand Canyon...breathtaking)
Another trip to Colorado (I need more mountains in my life)
Quit smoking
Started writing a lot of music
Got a job at Starbucks
Moved to Denton (with reasons still unclear)
Going to North Central Texas College
And thats about it. One relationship to speak of since then, but she doesnt really speak of it, so does it exist?
Ive lost about 25 pounds....and thats not relevant at all.
So yea I guess thats it.
I would like to continue posting on this xanga...cause I like the idea behind it (being MY idea and all haha)
but we shall see.
I dont think Im in any position to speak with the same zeal and conviction that I once had.
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| The question of balance has always proved adequate in giving me a
headache or casting me into a frenzy of spiritual thought and debate
within my own mind. Balance can be tagged on to any subject matter this
world can throw at you. We want and need justice, but sometimes don't
we also need to show some grace and mercy? We know we shouldn't eat
sweets and pies and pasta on a daily basis, but whats a party without a
little cake? When the question is blance pertaining to ones efforts to
please God or live for him, I always came to a stalemate on one
question...
"Where is the balance between giving God your all and letting him be your all?"
Should one muster up all the energy we can, with a few added efforts by
God's grace and do all we can to live this life in dedication to our
most Holy God? Or instead should one simply let go and give his life to
God, not giving any forethought to plans, future, finances or otherwise?
On the one hand, there are literally millions of
people who God has blessed who have, for lack of a better cliche,
"taken their lives in their own hands". The south in particular is more
inclined to raise their children and youth with the phrase "God helps
those who help themselves" firmly sewed, planted, and rooted within
their minds like an unwavering oak weathering the harshest storms.
We are told that this hindering untruth is in fact biblical, and the
only way we can get any attention from our most Holy God is to "put our best foot forward". Action is
perceived as responsibility, and responsibility is then perceived as
Godliness. Downplaying the importance of responsibility I am not,
instead questioning why our removing our lives from God's ever capable
hands is seen as a mark of maturity.
Still on the other hand of the question is letting
God be your all, meaning letting God be your strength, your
circumstance, and your nature of being. Simply laying down your life to
God and, to quote an american idol, letting him take the wheel can be a
truly liberating moment and lifestyle change. Even further still is the
bliss of trusting that God will take care of all your needs without any
kind of help or assistance from you. There is one small problem with
this blessed state of contentment, however. God does not always work within
the boundaries of our society, our boundaries of time, or our
boundaries of agenda. And we, being the mature and responsible humans
that we are, can easily be thrown from our pedetals of euphoria if life
takes a left at the crossroads when we would have really liked to have
gone right, or even straight for that matter.
You see, while there is no problem with grace, the
problem that we (meaning humans) have with grace is that we cannot
understand it full well, nor can we truly live in it completely. it
requires two things that we have been conditioned to never do, loose
control and become like a child. Or, as the modern society (or even as
close to home as our parents) would read it, become a immature hippy.
Grace tells us "Don't worry, God will take care of it all." to which we
reply "but when?!"
1At about the same time, the disciples came to Jesus asking, "Who gets the highest rank in God's kingdom?" 2For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, 3and
said, "I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to
square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a
look at the kingdom, let alone get in.
In my vast expirience of 23 years I have
learned this much is true...when it comes to the nature of God, the
very core of his essence, he is overall polar oposites of his creation.
Though we are created in his image, somehow, by some great
communication gap betwixt heaven and earth and due in large part to the
fall, we have lost His mindset. God's message is love, and to love
despite circumstances. Our message (and indeed, this is even preached
in some churches) is that we should love as long as it brings a lost
person back into the fold. Further still, we should love only if that
love is fully reciprocated. God's message is
our attempts at holiness, our attempts at Christ-likeness will never
get us to heaven, and will never win us his unfailing love that already
has us covered. Our message is that we need to pray a few extra hours,
fast a few more days, witness to a few more people. and when we do fall
short of God's high expectations (which I personally do not think are
that high, as if we actually had to reach them anyways...) we
should fully repent and vow to work harder next time.
Simply put, God's message is freedom. Our message is bondage.
My friends, this is all, the long and short of it...
We work so hard for His acceptance, His love, and His grace, and
indeed our greatest attempt is our greatest folly! The very question
"Where is the balance between giving God your all and letting God be
your all" is simply the ample fruit reaped from the seeds of flesh and
humanity sown in the firmament of my own feeble mind. Its the battle of
the two messages, ours and His. Christ's message, Praise the Lord, is
the latter! He simply wants us to be with him, and in him, and rather
than come up with some life strategy or career goal that we think will
please him, he only wants us to rest in his grace, trust in his words,
and love him with an undying passion. Indeed, one wouldn't think
becoming a child would be a worthy life goal, but it is as Christ
said...unless we become like children, we will not enter the kingdom of
God. Meaning trusting God for everything, even our own salvation, The
very thing we work so hard to obtain and maintain!
Gentle readers, take heart. God has given you all
that you need, and he gave it at salvation. Whatever it is that you
need to live a life with him, you already have. You don't need to pray
for anything else, including the Holy Spirit. He is already within you.
Trust that God will live in you and through you, and that he will guide
you wherever you need to be.
Easier said than done? You bet. Worth it? Even more so. So in the
question of "where is the balance?" I say to myself, and to you once and for all,
that there is no balance. There is only a difference in who would present
each side of the debate. While giving up the reins of your life to a
God that you cannot see is not an easy thing to do, remember that it is
always our faith that brings healing, forgiveness, and freedom.
| | |
| There is nothing like
sufficient Grace.
| | |
| We can chalk this one up to the late hour...
but honestly, will I ever find a woman to love me for me?
Honestly, I think Im ok if the answer is a resounding "no"
or even if its a small silent "no"
apparently, girls don't like it when you express interest in them...
And thats all I have, baby, is interest.
I don't have much discipline
I oversleep a lot.
I can't handle my money well
and Im not really a hard worker when it comes to actual labor.
I dont own any tools, or the knowledge to operate them.
Im not a great looking guy.
I like to eat, and even if Im full to the brim, if there is food in front of me, I will continue to eat.
I have weird tattoos on my arms.
I drive a peice of trash...but it runs pretty good.
I still live with my parents.
I like music a little too much
I offend people with my musical opinions.
I can't let musical differences go.
I judge people by their cd collections.
I talk a little too much, and I think a little too much.
I could spend hours on the internet if you let me
Im an attention hog...
and while it makes me little to no money, I cannot help but play the guitar and write music and songs and poetry.
I know I should be working and trying to make money, but I cannot
ignore a certain drive within me to express thoughts, anger,
frustration, love, joy, peace, and other ineffibles through music,
writing, poetry, and lyrics.
Its what I do.
I snore pretty loudly, and I don't have a trade or an education.
Im not the brightest guy around, but I love to think and read and write.
I suppose a life change is in order?
One that would reflect my interests, talents, etc.
A thinking, writing, coffee drinking musician.
Who rushes relationships
and snores
and spends hours online blogging, posting pictures, listening to music, and making connections.
So I assume this is who I am, and whoever would want me would have to either love this stuff, or learn to love it.
Hell, you can even turn a blind eye to half of it...or a deaf ear to the snoring...its really loud.
I also smoke a pipe on occasion.
I play the guitar pretty well.
I like the stuff I write, the pictures I take, the thoughts I have and the music I listen to.
Im a sensitive guy...I like to have fun and make jokes.
I can make some really good coffee and eggs.
I pride myself on always being clean, somewhat well dressed, and good smelling.
I think I handle myself well in social situations.
And I like to read.
Honestly, I really WANT to fix all the faults I have within me.
Some of them are taking longer than others...
I love God a whole lot, and I know I wouldn't even be alive if he didn't love me too.
Ive dedicated my entire life to him, and to making sure that people see his Glory through me.
(Sometimes I fail at this, though...)
I love knowing that Im his son, his child, and that he loves me.
I love hearing people sing to him when I am leading them in worship.
I used to be a youth Pastor, and I would love to be one again.
I like to speak in front of lots of people and talk about God and what hes done and what he is teaching me.
I love to plan things, events, gatherings, etc.
I love to watch people talk, have fun, and laugh, and if I can provide an avenue for that, then let me at it...
I suppose this is me, the long and short of me at least, good and bad.
Im tempted to line the good up with the bad and see which I listed more of, but I wont.
Because I know if I do, I will over think that, as well.
So this isnt incredibly "well written"
Grammar was sort of tossed to the side for raw thought and extreme randomness
and word-inventing.
but here it is.
Raw
(slightly) unedited
and very vulnerable. | | |
| It serves and it sees
It lives and it breathes
It aims at your heart
It aims to please
"Its sugar, its sweet" she says to me
"Its more like dying than anything"
Its arrows to the heart, dead center on the target
Its LOVE pure and simple, and its gone missing
It tastes like a drug, one taken with wine
I'll give you yours, if you'll only take mine
I found this sign among the weeds
It speaks of a legacy so old
Its emblazoned black and red
Its the greatest story ever told...
-Mike Harper
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